I have always wondered while studying General Surgery why some tumors grew to such massive proportions before they were diagnosed. It’s not like the area was clean one day and then, BAM! There was a growth the size of Canada, the next. I mean, were the patients blind? Or plain stupid?
But I understand their psychology now. They just didn’t want to admit that there was something wrong, something that would not go away on its own, until one day they realized that their shirt was not fitting anymore because the “extra appendage” had become the size of a baby whale.
I admit it. I am the biggest drama queen the world shall ever know.
Outwardly I appear to be stronger than steel, a warrior female, but when things go bad inside, as in the awful emotional stuff, I whirl up a terrible rage and then promptly push the entire thing to the back of my head as something only fragile people acknowledge (because I am not the emotional type).
See, I was deeply wounded in my heart. And so, like always, I chose to deny it with all my might. In fact, I pushed it back so hard that it vanished completely, festering out of sight, even as I enjoyed personal success in the field of academics (because rage has always been the one thing that has pushed me through the greatest barriers).
But the wound was never gone. It poisoned my soul from the back of my head and I didn’t even know it until I impulsively decided to visit The Spyglassviewer yesterday and read some of my favorite posts. Only then did I finally see that I had not written for one entire year. A freaking year!
I am a writer! Since I was twelve the maximum I have ever gone without writing would be a measly month (the holiday month). This was preposterous! No wonder I was feeling like a zombie.
I had an amazing blog, I had a brilliant following, and I had some of the most terrific readers that are out there in the world. And the best part was blogging had made me disciplined enough to pursue my solid writing goals (that is finish the book I had been working on). And I let that all go because I had to be the dumbest ostrich in the world.
But no more. I am nothing if my passion dies.
So I am returning to the blogosphere, returning to my place of sanity and peace, and I am deleting the obituary I wrote for my blog (that would be the last post). Although, to think of it…maybe not. It was after all a beautiful epitaph, and one shouldn’t erase their mistakes. How else would they laugh at such follies when ten years go by?
So stay tuned for some major return-of-the-dead party because I am back with more energy than I can carry around. And till the next time, have fun. 🙂