5 Tricks I Wish I Could Teach My Dog

Everyone loves dogs (and if you don’t then… well, I can’t help your phobia). But everyone loves dog tricks more. Come on, don’t tell me you haven’t ever typed that in YouTube and laughed at some of the weird stuff dog trainers succeed in teaching their pets. Therefore, it is giving me a lot of joy to introduce you all today to our latest guest author, Rob Toledo. He has come up with a list of hilarious things he wishes he could teach his dog. And believe me, when I say these wishes aren’t your average “I wish my dog could play dead” kinds. Continue Rob…

I love my dog – he’s one of my best friends. He has gotten me into better shape by forcing me to get out there and run more. He has helped me meet lots of other fun dog owners at local parks and just generally has brought more excitement into my life.

I treat him like a member of my own family, making sure he always gets plenty of exercise, visits the vet more than I go to the dentist, thanks to his dog insurance, and sometimes even sneak him into work.

Last Wednesday was a terrible day. Every mass transportation worker apparently went on strike and I didn’t get home until nine o’clock after a long day of work. And when I unlocked the door to my house, what did I find? My black lab Frank, standing on the counter looking guilty with the garbage strewn all over the living room.

That got me thinking:

1. We should pay transportation workers more.

2. When did Frank learn to open the garbage bin?

3. What else can I get him to do?

Even as I sat there for the remainder of the evening, scrubbing the carpet clean again, a whole host of things flooded into my mind. I’ve taken all the tricks I’d love to get my dog to do and narrowed them down to five wishes. Take a read and let me know if you have any tips.

1. Make Me Dinner

I want to make it clear from the get go that if the genie is going to give me five wishes we’re definitely starting with Frank making up for his little garbage can adventure. And I don’t want any restrictions on this wish like, “You have to wish that your dog learns to switch a gas stove on and off first” or “Frank has got to learn better chopping skills.” I just want him to do it all, from whipping up a bowl of mac n’ cheese to uncorking a bottle of fine wine to calling me sir and piling the gourmet food onto my plate.

Photo Credits: shutterstock

2. Maintain Friendships

Don’t get me wrong. I love grabbing a beer with friends and just hanging out. And I love the deeper things too, like you know, being there for friends during tough times and having the same resources when things get nuts for me, etc.

But let’s face it, friendships come with time-consuming responsibilities. Friends act in bad plays and perform in ear-splitting bands and write awful poems. While I’m happy to be supportive, there are only so many times I can watch a friend fling themselves off a trapeze just because they went for that acrobat school Groupon and found their life’s calling.

So, I’m just saying, it’d be nice if I could train my dog to make the rounds for me once in a while.

3. Mow the Lawn

He is out there long enough anyway, pushing that tennis ball around dejectedly and making me feel guilty. So he could do something useful while he’s at it. And I don’t want to hear any moaning about the fact that I only have a push mower. Frank, you want to whine non-stop about not getting enough exercise? Here’s your opportunity.

4. Up My Pinball Score…

…so the arcade owner’s ten year old son doesn’t undo all of my hard work the moment I have to leave for my friend’s third Irish step dance performance this month. Curse you, Living Social!

5. Teach Me How to Dance

Photo credits: shutterstock

Of all my wishes, this one would probably be the easiest because Frank has a surprising amount of rhythm. I swear, I once caught the guy moonwalking through the TV room, and he howls to pop songs better than any backup singer. Plus, this would make for a great story when I wow my friends at a party.

With these top five wishes fulfilled, I see myself eating better, increasing the quality of my friendships, getting the housing association off of my back, dominating snot nosed kids in the arcade, and wowing the ladies.

About the Author:-

Rob Toledo lives in the Pacific Northwest and volunteers at a local animal shelter. His favorite breed of dog changes every week. He hopes to one day have a yard big enough to run his own rescue. He can be reached on Twitter @stentontoledo.

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4 thoughts on “5 Tricks I Wish I Could Teach My Dog

  1. Awesome ideas! If I could get my dog to attend some boring work dinners and mingle on my behalf I’d be a happier man. Hmmmm, step one – I need a dog!

    • I wish I had a dog but my mom has threatened to throw it out of the window if I bring one home… and we live in the sixth floor! But if I had one I would definitely want it to know one trick- staying docile when a visitor comes home and then loudly barking at him/her when they draw close to tickle it, thus scaring the living daylights outta them. I have a sadistic sense of humor… 😛

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